The product is a Jomi
band (or sleeve). You attach it around your water bottle and it monitors
your fluid intake, reminding you, with sounds and LED indicators, that,
perhaps, its time to drink more water.
Or, if you've filled your Nalgene with vodka, then perhaps it's time to stroll through the hallway naked, stealing office supplies.
"Dude, that's my highlighter."
Naturally, the band will
also sync up to your mobile device via Bluetooth so you can check your
hydration stats. Presumably while you urinate for the next 30 minutes.
What you might actually
do with this water-consumption info is sort of a mystery, but I suppose
sharing it with friends is no less ridiculous than pontificating over
your fantasy football results.
In fact, I'd rather hear
all about your fluid intake far more than how many fake points Tom Brady
scored in your Week 3 win over the A-Town Booger Heads.
Hopefully, unlike those
super-fantasy nerds, Jomi fanatics will eventually give it a rest.
Because the start-up claims their crusade is "to make sure we never
forget it."
"It" being to drink water.
That, or the Alamo.
So, it'll be interesting
to see if this product eventually takes off. Especially since at least
one similar product already exists in the market -- the HydraCoach.
(Now with the special Rutgers Edition!
When it's time to drink, HydraCoach will call you a homophobic slur and
launch basketballs at your head! Operators are standing by!)
Sadly, however, despite
all these innovative devices, and despite the fact that water is so
important to our health, I don't think I'll ever actually give up on
Diet Coke. I'm in the cult. And I'm in it real bad.
But not THAT bad.
You see, the day you
start selling black market copper wire to pay for Diet Coke is the day
you realize you have a serious problem.
And when you then find
yourself missing your kid's T-ball game to slug down 20-ouncers under a
bridge with actual addicts, that's when it's time to officially
re-evaluate your life.
"Hey, man, beat it! This place is for serious drugs!"
Fortunately, for me, it
never came to that. But there was certainly a semi-dangerous period in
life where my body's entire liquid intake consisted only of Diet Coke. And I say that without a hint of hyperbole.
On a normal day I would
drink three or four cans at work and then come home to literally chug
out of a 2-liter bottle from the fridge.
I'm very classy. Chicks dig me.
But they don't dig me
nearly as much as my dog, Mikey, who would anxiously stare up into my
eyes as I power-blasted "daddy's medicine."
Buy all the fancy dog toys you want, but nothing beats a plastic Diet Coke bottle
Mikey stared partly
because I think he was amazed at what a disgusting, chemically infused
human pig I had become. But he also stared because he was (and is)
always a grateful recipient of the empty plastic bottle.
Which, for a dog, is
basically like getting a new Nintendo 64 every single day. You know,
back when that was actually a relevant analogy.
Of course, despite the
100% scientific fact that Diet Coke is made from the tears of angels and
unicorns, and carbonated by the gentle vibrations of Art Garfunkel's voice,
I believe -- though, some research doesn't necessarily agree -- that a
major negative side effect of this addiction is chronic dehydration.
It's fluid. But it's not water.
Either way, it probably wasn't a smart way to live, and I was always parched.
So I've worked out some
rules to help ease me back into healthy hydration. Mind you, they're
terrible rules, and I routinely bend them to achieve a far more
important goal. Namely, to drink more Diet Coke.
I'm enjoying one right now. Loopholes. They're everywhere!
The basic idea is that I
can only have Diet Coke on the weekends and days off from work.
However, business travel counts as a weekend. And, if Diet Coke is
provided free as part of a work lunch or company event, that also
negates the not-at-the-office rule.
Additionally, Friday at
12:00:01 a.m. is when weekends officially start. And if I'm going on
vacation, the last actual day of work that week counts as a Friday.
Other exceptions include
national holidays, important televised soccer matches (including pre-
and post-game analysis), and whenever somebody says the secret magic
word. Today it's "Synergy."
So, if you're a betting man, the smart money is on another Diet Coke!
I also have a good feeling about the A-Town Booger Heads.
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